I have this theory.
Hold up…okay, I’ve been missing-in-action for a bit. Lemme ‘splain. I just completed a project for a new publisher which was in addition to my regular workload, so all time and energies have been declared for and whatnot. Hopefully I can post some cool news later. It’s basically big epic music for TV promos, and if the film gods smile upon me, for film trailers also. I’m kind of excited, but trying to be all cool about it. We shall see…but anyhoo…
I have this theory that inside your regular brain is a tiny little brain about the size of a raisin, and it’s one and only job is to make sure you don’t pee yourself at night. How else do you NOT pee yourself at night? Tiny little brain, stays up all night, watches your bladder. Duh.
Here’s the problem: Sometimes it gets bored and tries to insert itself into the rest of your life. It’s supposed to go to sleep during the day and leave the brainy stuff, like what to put in your cake-hole, up to you and your regular brain. But NO. It doesn’t.
Have you ever thought “Hey, I can just go ahead and eat this entire box of Oreos, because after I get out the 4 I want, there’s only like 57 left.”
That was the Tiny Little A-hole Brain. It wasn’t you. It certainly wasn’t me. I can’t be held responsible for shit like that.
and MEN…if your wife/girlfriend has ever said to you “Honey, if I wasn’t in the picture, say I was snatched by aliens in the night, which one of my friends would you Do? Like (insert name), do you think she’s pretty? Would you Do her?”
HEAR ME NOW…IF YOU ANSWER ANYTHING BESIDES “WHAT?!? NO?!?! SHE’S UGLY, LIKE TROLL UGLY!! EWWWW, I JUST THREW UP IN THE BACK OF MY MOUTH A LITTLE BIT! OMG! I’M SURPRISED SHE MAKES IT THROUGH THE DAY WITHOUT RANDOM GROUPS OF STRANGERS GATHERING AND STONING HER TO DEATH, ALL BIBLICAL-LIKE!!!”
then you clearly have fallen victim to Tiny Little A-hole Brain. I’m telling you, that little shit is a world class a-hole. Why does he think he can get away with this, you ask? Simple. He assumes that you are afraid to stand up to his tiny little self, because you want him to keep doing his job. I’ll tell you right now, I’d rather set him straight, risk waking up covered in pee-pee and shame, than have to look like an asshole in front of my wife again. This ends now.
Up yours, Tiny Little A-hole Brain. Just sit there and watch my bladder, bitch. I’m gonna pull on some Depends, and I’ll see you in the morning.