A Visitation from Godzilla Beetle

He was THAT big. so I made a sign.

He was THAT big. so I made a sign.

A while back, there was a gi-normous flying creature hovering near my back door. I didn’t know what it was, I just knew it looked about the size of a humming bird, and I wasn’t sure of it’s intentions – and I didn’t want it flying into the house, so I kind of swatted it, all manly-like, away from the door. I was a bit creeped out. It looked kinda like this:

This is a ten-lined june beetle in flight, which as you can see, is clearly a harbinger of the apocalypse.

This is a ten-lined june beetle in flight, which as you can see, is clearly a harbinger of the apocalypse.

About 24 hours later, I went into the laundry room – and this freakin’ thing was sitting, calmly, right in the middle of a big square pillow on top of the laundry pile. SHEEEEE_IT!!! It was waiting for me. holy dark mother. My blood ran cold. I didn’t know if it could bite or something, or somehow bring ruination into my calm household, so I got a paper towel, scooped it up, figured I’d drop it over the fence, send it on it’s merry way. Now, I’m describing this rather calmly, but in the back of my mind I was totally creeped out and assuming that Satan had taken the form of a giant beetle and came to torment me.

I reached over the back gate, started shaking the paper towel, and this thing HISSED. Hissed I tell you. WTF!!!!!! I was pretty sure it was spraying some sort of hell-venom – I could picture my face melting off – so I dropped the towel and beetle so fast over the back gate that I got a wind burn, littering be damned.

I told Brenda about it the next day, and she squealed like “eeeeeeee” and “ewwwwww”, you know, that grossed out, what-the-hell kind of way. At that point I went out to pick up my abandoned paper towel, which I found laying on the grass, back on MY side of the fence. I think it was a message. He’s coming back? Or maybe he’s just letting me know he’s watching, and maybe appreciates the fact that I released him into the suburban wild. I don’t know. or maybe my days are numbered because Godzilla Beetle is waiting for his time, with only his fiery rage to keep him company. not sure.

I’ll be waiting, Beetle-o-saurus. Your hissy wrath will not shake me. I’ve got a family, and I’ve staked my claim to this overly expensive patch of grass.

please don’t come back, Creepy Hell Beetle.

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12 thoughts on “A Visitation from Godzilla Beetle

  1. You are SO much nicer than me… I would have grabbed the closest shoe, put it on my foot, shaken that sucker onto the floor, and stepped on it with a fiery rage that would make Zeus jealous in the hopes that Godzilla Beetle didn’t have the super-human (super-bug?) strength required to do the same to me.

    I hate to alarm you, but the fact that the paper towel was back on your side of the fence probably means that it CAN squish you “like a bug” and will be coming to steal your soul. If you hear random hissing noises in your house — move. That’s probably the only solution. Don’t even pack. Just go.
    Jeneral Insanity recently posted…Murdered on the job?My Profile

    • Tiny smashed fly mess? Gross. Giant 2-lb. crunchy-on-the-outside, chewy-on-the-inside mess? BLECCCCHHHHHH!!!!! ….(pause) BAAARRFFFFFFF!!!! …(pause)…..RALPH!!!! (pant/pant/pant/pant….) (REPEAT PROCESS)

  2. I’m confident the I towel on the other side of the fence was a message. I read a lot of true crime books, so I feel as if I’m an expert in this field.

    I think the hell beetle was saying “I let you live this ONCE because you let me live. We’re even now.”

    I would encourage you to call an exterminator post-haste. And then you should move.
    Lisa Newlin recently posted…Bath time at the Newlin’s!My Profile

    • See, I’m gonna work myself into a frenzy over this. I already go outside with the dogs at night, because coyotes have been spotted several times in the neighborhood. Now I’m going to have to start carrying a flame-thrower or something.

  3. Locust. Things were gettin’ all biblical and sheeeeet…. But they only hiss because they’re usually listening to The Cure’s “Love Cats” on tiny headphones.
    Amy recently posted…Dragon DoodleMy Profile

  4. We had a giant spider of epic proportions pull similar stunts recently. I wonder if they bug world is in an uproar. I can’t really blame them, since humans are kinda scum, as a whole. But still.

    SPIDER.

    Kill it. Kill it hard. And spray even harder.
    Andi-Roo (@theworld4realz) recently posted…Dear Brave LibrarianMy Profile

    • I’m gonna admit this with a little shame in my heart, but I’ve killed more than one black widow with this long lighter we had that had a kind of butane torch flame, very directed. When my boys were smaller, especially, I was afraid to somehow lose track of those things. EAT HOT DEATH, LITTLE BLACK DEMON. sorry.

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