A while back, there was a gi-normous flying creature hovering near my back door. I didn’t know what it was, I just knew it looked about the size of a humming bird, and I wasn’t sure of it’s intentions – and I didn’t want it flying into the house, so I kind of swatted it, all manly-like, away from the door. I was a bit creeped out. It looked kinda like this:
About 24 hours later, I went into the laundry room – and this freakin’ thing was sitting, calmly, right in the middle of a big square pillow on top of the laundry pile. SHEEEEE_IT!!! It was waiting for me. holy dark mother. My blood ran cold. I didn’t know if it could bite or something, or somehow bring ruination into my calm household, so I got a paper towel, scooped it up, figured I’d drop it over the fence, send it on it’s merry way. Now, I’m describing this rather calmly, but in the back of my mind I was totally creeped out and assuming that Satan had taken the form of a giant beetle and came to torment me.
I reached over the back gate, started shaking the paper towel, and this thing HISSED. Hissed I tell you. WTF!!!!!! I was pretty sure it was spraying some sort of hell-venom – I could picture my face melting off – so I dropped the towel and beetle so fast over the back gate that I got a wind burn, littering be damned.
I told Brenda about it the next day, and she squealed like “eeeeeeee” and “ewwwwww”, you know, that grossed out, what-the-hell kind of way. At that point I went out to pick up my abandoned paper towel, which I found laying on the grass, back on MY side of the fence. I think it was a message. He’s coming back? Or maybe he’s just letting me know he’s watching, and maybe appreciates the fact that I released him into the suburban wild. I don’t know. or maybe my days are numbered because Godzilla Beetle is waiting for his time, with only his fiery rage to keep him company. not sure.
I’ll be waiting, Beetle-o-saurus. Your hissy wrath will not shake me. I’ve got a family, and I’ve staked my claim to this overly expensive patch of grass.
please don’t come back, Creepy Hell Beetle.