That’s what she said

Not that this has ever happened.

Not that this has ever happened.

I don’t think it’s a big secret. Your typical red-blooded male can go from watching reruns of Modern Family to full blown let’s-get-freaky-deaky at the literal drop of a hat. That, of course, is not how the typical red-blooded female works.

I know this. I’m a big boy. But still, in those moments of crushing disappointment, when I’ve suddenly got all my hopes and dreams in a little knot because, hell, the wind changed directions and there’s 52 seconds ’til the commercial’s over…here’s where my imagination sadly goes when my completely unromantic advances are spurned, crushed, obliterated.

I GIVE THEE:

THINGS YOU DON’T WANT YOUR WIFE/GIRLFRIEND/OTHER TO SAY IN/AROUND/NEAR/HAVING-ANYTHING-TO-DO-WITH SEX

“Not now, Honey, we’ve got small children.”

“Not now, Honey, I’ve just gave birth…8 years ago.”

You beg her to pencil you in for some alone time, and she says reminds you that it’ll fit between the opening credits and the IKEA commercial.

“Seriously?!?!”

“Not now, Honey…”, then she hands you a print out of reasons so she won’t have to talk for 7 minutes.

“Why didn’t you say something earlier?”

“Why didnt’ you say something later?”

“Not now, Honey….OH LOOK, THE GOOD YEAR BLIMP!!!!”

“Is it August already?!?!?!?!”

“Well…that was definitely the best three and a half minutes of my day” – she said at 12:04 a.m.

She calls you “Choking Hazard” on account of your small parts.

Here's the "Meme" version. enjoy.

Here’s the “Meme” version. enjoy.

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10 thoughts on “That’s what she said

    • Hey Dana! The weird thing is that I drew a cat. We used to have a tuxedo cat named Friday. She was the most un-athletic cat ever. When she ran, which was rare, her belly would swing back and forth like a sack of water. She couldn’t really jump, so she never got up on the kitchen counter, so that was nice. I have two Shih Tzus, and the older one kind of lets her tongue hang out a bit.

  1. Hm.. I think I’ve said all of those things… maybe THAT’S why we don’t have any kids… ;)

    That bit about men being able to become aroused at anything really struck home when I was watching Game of Thrones and the guy being tortured was removed from the wooden X he’d been tied to and 5 seconds later was being humped by the two girls who had let him down. Didn’t his body HURT? His shoulders? His half chopped up finger? What the HELL?
    Amy recently posted…Film Evidence my Husband is an Idiot SavantMy Profile

  2. You forgot to mention:

    “Not tonight, honey. I’ve got gas.”

    “If I wanted to have while looking at Clorox, I’d make you clean your own mess in the bathroom.”

    and

    “Are you serious right now?! Alien rape is not a turn on…”

    Oh, how I’ve missed you in my absence from the interwebs, Todd… I’m SO glad that my life is settling down so that I can continue to stalk you in peace…
    Jeneral Insanity recently posted…Murdered on the job?My Profile

  3. Um…I don’t think I’ve ever called someone a choking hazard on account of their “small” parts. Just sayin.

    Oh, and if it wasn’t for the commercials during The Apprentice, my ex-boyfriend and I would have never had sex. Then again, maybe that’s why he’s my ex-boyfriend. That and he wasn’t a choking hazard.

    I keed I keed!

    • Ha ha, I can see the the logic there. Well, when you have kids, you see that every toy you buy has the warning “CHOKING HAZARD – small parts, not for children under 3 years old”

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