I don’t think it’s a big secret. Your typical red-blooded male can go from watching reruns of Modern Family to full blown let’s-get-freaky-deaky at the literal drop of a hat. That, of course, is not how the typical red-blooded female works.
I know this. I’m a big boy. But still, in those moments of crushing disappointment, when I’ve suddenly got all my hopes and dreams in a little knot because, hell, the wind changed directions and there’s 52 seconds ’til the commercial’s over…here’s where my imagination sadly goes when my completely unromantic advances are spurned, crushed, obliterated.
I GIVE THEE:
THINGS YOU DON’T WANT YOUR WIFE/GIRLFRIEND/OTHER TO SAY IN/AROUND/NEAR/HAVING-ANYTHING-TO-DO-WITH SEX
“Not now, Honey, we’ve got small children.”
“Not now, Honey, I’ve just gave birth…8 years ago.”
You beg her to pencil you in for some alone time, and she says reminds you that it’ll fit between the opening credits and the IKEA commercial.
“Not now, Honey…”, then she hands you a print out of reasons so she won’t have to talk for 7 minutes.
“Why didn’t you say something earlier?”
“Why didnt’ you say something later?”
“Not now, Honey….OH LOOK, THE GOOD YEAR BLIMP!!!!”
“Is it August already?!?!?!?!”
“Well…that was definitely the best three and a half minutes of my day” – she said at 12:04 a.m.
She calls you “Choking Hazard” on account of your small parts.